Why is it that despite social networking sites, despite videoconference, despite all the possibilities of instant, virtual communication, we still feel the need to meet in person? And in particular, why is it, when time is so precious, that people–even very, very busy ones– still make time to gather over a meal?

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For me, one of the answers–as is so often the case–lies in our basic instincts. We humans have elements of both predator and prey animals. As prey, we must be constantly on guard for danger, ready to fight or flight. Think of a giraffe stooping down to the river to drink–how much more vulnerable they are in this moment! Which is why they, as many other prey animals, will always go to the river in herds, with one designated to stand guard.

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When we eat, that’s exactly what we do, too: since part of our awareness is now focused on the eating process, we have less of our mind to focus on fight-or-flight, becoming more vulnerable: we let our guards down. Doing so in the presence of another human being therefore automatically implies a certain level of trust–we’re lowering our guards down together–and creates trust, too.

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Couple that with the endorphin-releasing effect of food, and you have a winning recipe to increase warmth and comfort in a newly-made acquaintanceship.

Granted, the advent of email may have brought about a certain lack-a-daisyness with regards to the traditional etiquette of correspondence. Indeed, one might deplore the carelessness with which punctuation is oft handled (Though I’ve been guilty of that very crime myself, I highly recommend the brilliant and hilarious “Eats, shoots and leaves”– you might surprise yourself with the pique, passion and peals of laughter you’ll echo at the plight of ill-used quotation marks.)

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But email did carry a delightful chance on its wings: that of translating the feeling of conversation to written communication. Which is why I’m always surprised when someone I’ve just met, who made a great first impression, follows up with an email so stiff, so very different from the tone  of the conversation we’ve just had! Why throw cold water on an excellent initial feeling? Write as you would speak to the person if they were sitting right across from you–with the same warmth and ease, letting the words flow.

An excellent article from the HBS Review on how to strengthen your connections, by Brian Uzzi and Shannon Dunlap.

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If you were to ask your colleagues, “Who was Paul Revere?” most would probably know the answer. He was, after all, immortalized in the Longfellow poem that begins, “Listen, my children, and you shall hear of the midnight ride of Paul Revere.” Yet how many of your colleagues, students of American history aside, would be familiar with William Dawes? Both men rode on horseback from Boston on the night of April 18, 1775. Both sounded the alarm that the Revolutionary War had begun. Dawes rode south while Revere rode north, but the towns they traveled through were demographically similar. Both men came from the same social class and had similar educational backgrounds. But only Revere raised a militia, and only Revere’s name became famous. What accounts for the difference? In large part, the type of social network each man cultivated.

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When you have to deliver bad news, it’s not what you say, but how you say it. The worse the news, the more important for the recipient to feel that you truly understand them, you are there with them. Hence Clinton’s classic “I feel your pain,” i.e. “we are together in this dark, dark night”.

And you can’t just fake it–insincerity will often be felt instinctively. You’ve surely felt the difference between real and contrived smiles. You know it when you see it, but what is it that’s tipping you off? According to Paul Ekman, the leading expert on facial expressions, there is a clear, visible difference between a “social” smile and a “true” smile: in the former, the smile does not quite reach the eyes, or at least not in the same way. In a true smile, the inner corners of your eyebrows soften, and fall down. The reverse will be true for authentic sadness—true empathy—in which the inner corners of the eyebrows draw up, together.

Indeed, regardless of how well gifted actors and natural-born liars are able to control their facial expressions, they can only control so much: even when we control the main emotion showing on our face, the real emotion we’re feeling will often show up, albeit for a split second. These split-second “mini-expressions” are what other people pick up without even realizing it. It’s usually not enough for them to consciously realize what they’ve seen, but on a subconscious level, they know something’s off.

Hence, the obvious conclusion: no matter how many shortcuts you use, sincerity still matters. Once you realize sincerity is essential, how do you get yourself from here to there? The good news is that we have a natural tendency for empathy. One of the easiest, and most powerful ways to set this tendency in motion is to simply identify with the person, that is, “put yourself in the other person’s shoes.”
And when you do feel even the slightest bit of true concern, show it! Show your empathy in your facial expressions, your tone of voice, and then finally your words. Show that you fully understand not just how painful the news is, but all the unpleasant consequences it’ll bring.

If you share a true moment of empathy, it can end up forming between you an even stronger bond than before the bad news you had to give.