When my clients ask me what technique would give them an instant shot of confidence, I tell them there’s one sure-fire way: gratitude.

Huh?

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Yes, Oprah is onto something. Think about it: what’s the opposite of gratitude? Resentment, neediness, desperation. Not a very attractive picture, is it? We all know few things will ruin an applicant’s chances more than giving off a vibe of desperation, be it in a job interview or in a bar. The same goes for resentment. And gratitude is a great antidote to both–it’s quite impossible to feel simultaneously feel grateful and resentful.

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Taking but a few seconds to think of the five things you’re most grateful for in life will have an instant, sweeping change over your body language: your face will soften, your eyes will sparkle, your whole body will relax– and take on an almost palpable aura of confidence. Why? Because gratitude comes from thinking of things you already have– whether you have already experienced them (the life-moments you’re most grateful for) or the relationships are already part of your life, etc.

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Thus, the feeling of security, confidence, warmth-and-fuzzyness which not only feels wonderful, it also is very appealing!

Have you ever noticed how certain people get others falling over themselves to help them? Ever wondered how they did it?

There’s a good chance that they were using, without realizing it, the basic principles of psychology symbolized by Pavlov’s experiment.

Pavlov conducted an experiment on a group of dogs, ringing a bell every time he brought them food. Pretty soon, the dogs had associated the bell to food to such an extent, that just hearing its sound made them drool.

Guess what? People work exactly the same way: they’ll associate both positive and negative emotions to sounds, sights, tastes, and so forth. Here’s an example: if, tomorrow, you were to walk out to the corner of your street, and witness a horrible accident there– for the next few days and weeks, what would you think of every time you passed that corner? Exactly– you have associated the memory and the feeling to the place. Are there certain songs that make you feel warm and fuzzy, or nostalgic, or all pumped up? There you go again.

In the same way, people associate feelings to experiences, and of course to people. Let’s say, for instance, that anytime someone compliments you, you shrug it off from embarrassment, or contradict them (”oh no, I look awful”) out of natural modesty. How do they feel? Not very smart, because you’ve essentially told them they were wrong to compliment you. And who likes feeling stupid? Pretty soon, they’ll stop trying.

If, on the other hand, you make them feel GOOD for doing so, for instance by thanking them for being so thoughtful, or telling them they “made your day”, they’ll feel all rosy-glow & good about themselves, and of course they’ll want to do it again. And you can extend this to any other behavior you want to encourage (as one New York Times writer discovered, training her husband as she would a dolphin!)

For any behavior you want to encourage, make them feel good about themselves– make them feel proud, smart, thoughtful, important, that they had an impact on  you “thank you for making my day! / saving my job / life/ shoe!”

Why are the eyes “the window to the soul?”

Because the area around the eyes is one of the most mobile of the entire face, it is also the quickest to fluctuate with our emotions and, thus, the most expressive of what you are truly thinking and feeling, every instant. Which is why poker players wear sunglasses– and why Onassis would also  hide his eyes this way during business  negotiations.

People will instinctively look to your eyes to know whether they can trust you — and if you deny them that eye contact, you deny them the ability to read you, to feel they know what you’re feeling and thus, how safe they can feel around you. If you deny them the safety of reading your eyes, you make it much harder for them to trust you.

Not only must you give them eye contact– for trusting rapport, it must also be the right kind of eye contact. Imagine a gangster in a movie– the shady, suspicious character. What would his eyes look like? Narrow, tense, suspicious. That’s an untrustworthy eye appearance.

Now, think of the opposite–the image of innocence, the eyes of a little child. Think of what those would look like– soft, open eyes — there’s a reason it’s called “wide-eyed innocence.”

So, to create rapport, appear trustworthy, and give people a feeling of comfort and trust around you, relax your eyes. Make sure there’s not a hint of tension in the muscles controlling them. Not only will it give you the right expression, it’ll also give you the right  feeling: Les Fehmi, a neuroscientist specializing in this matter, found that when our eyes are in “sharp focus”, our stress responses increase. As soon as we relax our eyes, the rest of our body follows.

… You’re asked: “Does this outfit make me look fat / old/ unprofessional….” (please check all that apply) and the answer, unfortunately, is yes!
- You look great, but that outfit doesn’t do you justice

or- I liked the other dress on you even better

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…You forget someone’s name, and you need to use it:

- I’m so sorry– this is one of those days, I’ve even forgotten my own name

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