Master pianist Arthur Rubenstein once said “The notes I handle no better than many pianists. But the pauses between the notes—ah, that is where the art resides.”

So true, so true! Knowing how and when to pause is also an art in conversation: when someone has spoken, see if you can pause before you answer. Let your body speak instead: first, absorb, showing that you’re giving their answer the consideration it deserves; and let your facial expression react. Only then can you answer.

In essence, the sequence is: wait-absorb-react-answer. This should take you at least 2 seconds! If you answer in less time, there’s a risk you’ll be answering too quickly, giving other people the impression you’ve not really listened to what they were saying .

And, of course, never, ever interrupt– even if the impulse to do so comes from laudable excitement about something they’ve just said. All right, but what if they do? Well, let them– even if they’re wrong to do so; they still feel that what they have to say is just so much more important–and that’s a battle which simply isn’t worth the fight! In fact, make sure you keep your sentences short, leaving frequent pauses so they can jump in.

Think again. You see, we don’t really perceive reality.

Here’s what I mean : right now, look around the room and notice everything that’s blue. Go ahead. Got it?Now, keep your eyes glued to this screen. That’s right, glued.

Without lifting your eyes– you can even close them– quick, think of everything in this room that is red.

Ha. Not so easy? Focused on the blue, were we?

Now look around. See a lot more red, all of a sudden?

Of the countless of pieces of visual information our eyes take in every moment, we only perceive a very few–in essence, those we were looking for.  Think of that in your day-to-day interactions: if we can miss something as obivous as color, how many subtle body language cues could be passing us by in converstaion, because we’re looking for something else?

… So what if, being the brilliant conversationalist that you are, you aim to focus the conversation on them– but, being the fascinating person you are, what if they constantly ask you questions about you? In that case, use the “bounce back” technique: Answer the question with a fact, add some personal coloring, and redirect the question to them. So they’ve had their answer, they have an emotional hook, and the spotlight is back on then.

For instance:

“So where are you moving to?”

“To Chelsea—we fell in love with the parks and the bakeries. What do you think of the neighborhood?”

Remember, it’s all about the person you’re talking to, his or her life and his or her needs. Make them feel that there’s no-one else in the room; and that they are the most fascinating person you have ever met.