Have you ever felt worried that someone was envious of you, resenting the position or project you’d been given?

Not only is this rather unpleasant; it can also make life more difficult, and even sometimes lead to either active or passive sabotage–which is not something most of us can afford in precarious times. So how can you defuse the situation?

Feelings of jealousy are generated when someone feels that you have reached a higher status than they. To dissipate that feeling, they must feel that you are once more level– or better yet, that they have now reached the higher spot.
Hence two options:

1. Lower yourself. Have you ever noticed how people tend to make self-deprecating comments when given a compliment? This is one of the reasons why– they’re attempting to prevent envy by not  being “raised to high” above the others hearing the status-raising compliment. The problem with attempting to lower yourself is that it doesn’t always work, and can even be counter-productive at times.

2. Raise them.  If you can find a way to express you respect for their thoughts and opinion; if you can find a way to express your sincere admiration (yes, it must be sincere– most people have a pretty effective lie detector) they will feel boosted, and their resentment will vanish.

I’m often asked, “what’s the worst conversation mistake one can make?” Well, aside from the obvious–ranging from looking over people’s shoulders, scanning the room for more important people, to spluttering one’s drink all over their suit (one of my mentors actually did this), one is rarely mentioned: not being emotionally present.

Have you ever felt this? Answering questions on autopilot–you’re intellectually present, maybe even focused–your brain is engaged, but your emotions aren’t. In those cases, the conversation can feel pretty dead.

Now contrast that with times when you feel excited, engaged–an “emotionally present” conversation. Which one do you think will be more memorable? Exactly.

So how does one become more emotionally present? One way is to talk about something that either one of you is passionate about. Another, more effective but more uncomfortable way is to take a risk. This could be by revealing something about yourself (a risk of honesty); to take a stand, to say what you’re really feeling (a risk of interaction).

Essentially, anything that feels risky will immediately make you more present, more engaged, and your conversation partner will immediately feel the effect.